Crouching Tiger, Cheeky Parrots

The little town of Mount Cook sits nestled into the Southern Alps of New Zealand, just southwest of the country’s highest peak named—not coincidentally—Mount Cook. It’s the town closest to all the highest peaks of the mountain range that spines the South Island; it’s a little Switzerland Down Under. As a result, it has great appeal for tourists of all types, including tourists driving classic cars. This upcoming weekend Mount Cook will be hosting a classic and antique car rally. Thousands of auto enthusiasts will drive their vintage wheels up the windy mountain roads to this little mountain town for a few days of exhibition, story-swapping, and enjoyment of the fresh mountain air.

New Zealand has a large number of native species of flora and fauna that are unique to this archipelago. One of these is the kea, a large parrot with average intelligence and an extra dose of cheekiness. The kea is not only unique because it only lives in New Zealand but also because it is the only species of parrot that lives in an alpine environment. There are even kea in Mount Cook.

Kea are considered cheeky because they have attitude. They are not too shy to walk up to your picnic as you lay lounging on the green grass and lift sandwiches from your fingertips with their sharp beaks. If it only knew the power of its beak, it would probably steal cases of bottled beer from the back of delivery trucks. They’re protected animals (like possums in Australia) and it seems that they know it.

They also like shiny and chewy things. Normally this combination of attributes would not cause any concern. After all, most natural things that are shiny are also quite hard: rocks, sea shells, et cetera. But if you’re an antique car owner, the tastes of the roving kea are a cause of great concern indeed. You see, the antique car is both shiny—by virtue of its polished paint job, its chrome wheel spokes, and rear-view mirrors—and chewy—by virtue of its pampered leather upholstery, convertible tops, and rubber sealing trim. If you are a kea, the classic car is a treat sent from heaven. If you are a classic car owner, the kea is a bird sent from hell.

What is the small town of Mount Cook to do in the face of this dilemma: a thousand tourists bringing their money to the economy of the small town along with their priceless kea chew-toys, and a hundred kea ready to tear the visitors’ most precious treasures to tiny bits? In a recent article in the Press, one of New Zealand’s major papers, we discovered that Mount Cook is doing the only sensible (and ecologically practical) thing: hiring the town’s karate club to fend off the birds.

No lie. The picture above the front-page article showed five of the forty-member karate club in full martial art regalia in fighting stance (complete with bo staffs), ready for the terrorist birds. Now, it must be admitted that the kea have a distinct advantage. They can fly. Unless John Woo has been recruited as part of this outfit, the Defenders of Expensive Cars will have a hard time overcoming that natural gift. But that’s OK. After all, the auto-body guards are not allowed to hurt the birds. They are protected, remember. They just have to scare them away. And if there’s something scarier than someone walking around an antique car show wearing a karate outfit and yelling at parrots, I don’t know what it is.

~emrys